


Army of Duckness

by orphan_account



Category: Brave Little Toaster (1987), Darkwing Duck (Cartoon), Evil Dead (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-11
Updated: 2012-12-10
Packaged: 2017-11-20 20:45:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/589462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steelbeak and Negaduck team up to steal the Quackronomicon for F.O.W.L. High Command. However, when Negaduck starts casting spells, he releases a demon who threatens to destroy them and High Commander Belle Beakford.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sort of silly one-off written as a break between "Fair Is F.O.W.L." and "The Lying Game"... although chronologically, I suppose it would come before "Fair." Mostly it's a parody of 'Evil Dead 2: Dead Before Dawn,' despite the title.
> 
> Standard Old Fic Disclaimer: This story was written in 2007, before the recent DWD comics (which I haven't read) came out.

"That's it."  Belle Beakford, F.O.W.L. High Commander, pointed one short finger at a grainy image on the surveillance video print-out on the desk before her.  "The Quackronomicon."

Belle's twin brother Beau leaned back in his chair and arched an eyebrow.  "Nice.  Now, care to enlighten us as to why we need to steal an old book?"

"Have you even _watched_ the video we have of Morgana MacCawber's residence?" Belle snapped at him.  "It's her spell book!  If F.O.W.L. possessed it, we would be invincible!  We wouldn't need a legion of inept agents if we had _magic_ \--"

Beau snorted.  "You really believe in that magic crap?  Geez, sis, grow up."

Belle ground her sharp teeth.  Somehow Beau always knew how to get under her feathers.  She turned to one of the other commanders, the corvid Chogan.  "Commander Chogan, _you've_ watched the surveillance tapes.  We know that MacCawber has aided Darkwing Duck in the past-- that's why we were watching her house to begin with.  And these tapes show her using this book, as you've seen."

"Well, yes."  The technologically-adept Chogan, who oversaw the division of Eggmen who monitored F.O.W.L.'s many surveillance cameras, nodded as he looked down at the still he himself had produced.  "Although I'm not convinced that MacCawber actually has any 'magical' powers.  Between Commander Beakford and myself, F.O.W.L. can reproduce many of her so-called 'spells' using our technology."

"I have to agree."  The fourth and eldest commander, Calvin Aquila, folded his arms and looked at Belle sternly.  "The last time we indulged one of your experimental ideas, one of my top-ranked personnel turned himself into a giant brain and exploded.  I'd rather not have that repeated."

"I honestly don't think it was a very great loss," Belle observed.  "And anyhow, Major Synapse's demise was proof that my 'experimental idea,' as you so charmingly term it, _worked_."  She gazed down at the photo of the Quackronomicon.  "And regardless of whether MacCawber really possesses magical abilities, the book itself is still priceless."

"What's so great about it?" Beau asked, rolling his eyes.

"It was written by an insane man named Abduck Alhazred," Belle murmured.  "It's supposed to contain all kinds of mad ramblings about other races of beings, far older than us.  Others have said that it is a gateway in between worlds."

"Uh hunh."  Beau nudged Aquila; the vulture gave him a cold stare in return that made Beau wince and draw back.

"But it also contains spells," Belle went on with a glare at her brother.  "Any kind of spell a sorcerer could want to cast.  If F.O.W.L. can obtain this book and train our best agents with it, we can conquer St. Canard in a week!"  She rubbed her hands together, her beak curving in a rare smile.  "Then the country. . . then the world!"

"Yeah.  Because all the books _I've_ ever read by insane guys who rant about aliens have turned out to be _totally_ trustworthy," Beau sneered.

"Commander Beakford, please!" Aquila quieted him before turning to the other Commander Beakford.  "I suppose it can't make things any _worse_ for F.O.W.L. than they are now.  If you want to take on the project, I don't have any objections."

"Nor do I," Chogan shrugged.  "It might be interesting.  But how do you propose obtaining this. . . Quackronomicon?  MacCawber seems to have it well-protected, judging by this footage.  She also has a habit of turning our Eggmen into puddings, so unless you expect them to hop away with the book, we probably can't rely on them to steal it."

"I already have that figured out."  Belle pulled another photo out of her briefcase and slapped it down on top of the video still.  It was an 8x10 glossy of Darkwing Duck.  "We know that Darkwing Duck and Morgana MacCawber are. . . romantically involved.  She trusts him, so she would like give him access to her property. . . possibly even the Quackronomicon."

"So we ask Darkwing Duck to steal it for us?  Niiiice plan," Beau scoffed.

"Not _Darkwing_ Duck."  Belle added a third photo to the stack.  It was of a duck who looked almost exactly like Darkwing, but who was dressed in a different color scheme.  "Negaduck.  They look more alike than you and I do.  If we can convince Negaduck to disguise himself as Darkwing, he can steal the book for us."

"Mmn."  Aquila studied the photo.  "The resemblance _is_ uncanny.  How do we enlist his aid-- invite him to join F.O.W.L.?"

"Yes."

"What's he going to want to join _us_ for?" Beau protested.  "From what I've heard, he's the head of his own ring of criminals."

"Another thing he shares with Darkwing besides ridiculous looks and poor fashion sense is his ego," Belle replied.  "We might be able to pique his interest in F.O.W.L. if he believes that he has a chance at taking control of it-- and if what information we have on him is correct, that's the first thing he'll think of.  He'll agree to work for us because he'll believe it will give him a chance to infiltrate headquarters and dispose of us four.  But instead, once we have the Quackronomicon-- we'll dispose of _him_."

A faint smile moved over Chogan's beak.  "I always did like your style, Commander Beakford."

"Great," Beau growled.  "If you want to waste F.O.W.L.'s resources on this foolishness, go ahead.  Just let me know how much to deduct from the budget after you're done throwing away our money."

Aquila ignored him and asked Belle, "How do you plan to find Negaduck and give him this idea of his conquering F.O.W.L. so that he'll help us?"

"Finding him is simple; I have just the bait that will make _him_ come to _us_.  And as for convincing him to work with us. . . ."  Belle took a deep breath.  This was the part of the plan she had been dreading.  "We'll assign the mission to Agent Steelbeak.  He could sell ice to a penguin."

"Fine.  Then _you_ can give him the assignment," Beau smirked as he stood up.  "It's your turn in front of the camera anyway.  Have a nice evening, esteemed compatriots."

Belle cast a withering look at his back as he left the room, then she scooped her photos off the desk and shoved them back into her briefcase.  "Do you both agree with the plan before I contact Steelbeak?"

"Certainly."  Chogan sat back in his chair, still smiling slightly.  "Watching Negaduck believe he can overthrow us will be quite amusing."

"As long as he doesn't succeed."  As usually, Belle was unsure whether Aquila was trying to make a joke (albeit a distinctly unfunny one) or whether he was serious.  After a moment, the vulture only said, "Proceed," and folded his hands while he waited for her to place the call.

Belle clenched her jaw as she pressed the control under their desk which would put them in contact with Agent Steelbeak.  The large monitor in front of the desk fizzled with static for a moment, then cleared as Steelbeak answered his video phone.

"Yo, High Command."  The rooster was speaking in a hushed voice and apparently peering down at his phone held below eye level.  "This is kinda a bad time.  Can't it wait 'til I'm somewheres a little more private?"

Belle squinted at the wall behind him.  He appeared to be standing in front of a painting of a large cow.  "Where _are_ you?"

He jumped slightly and gave her a put-upon "oh, it's _you_ " look.  Apparently he had thought her silhouette belonged to Beau before she spoke.  "I'm at the grocery store.  Dairy section.  Even F.O.W.L. agents gotta eat, ya know.  It ain't exactly the best place to chit-chat wit'out bein' discovered, so's why dontcha call me back later, babe."

Belle clenched her hands into fists.  Beau might be the only person able to get under her feathers, but Steelbeak could do a pretty fair job of ruffling them.  "I'd advise you to save the inane nicknames for your girlfriends, and show High Command a bit more respect.  We have an urgent assignment for you.   Find a private place immediately and call us back."  She cut the connection before he could respond, and sat seething.

"Maybe we should give this assignment to someone else," Aquila mused.  "We could have Ammonia Pine steal the book-- even a witch must need her house cleaned occasionally."

"You obviously haven't studied the surveillance footage," Chogan muttered.  "Agent Pine would be far too distracted by all the cobwebs to even remember the book."

Before they could carry the discussion further, a call request came through from Steelbeak.  This time when Belle connected, he was seated in his F.O.W.L.-issued luxury car in front of the pop-up monitor mounted on its dashboard.  The rooster leaned back in his seat and raked a hand over his comb.

"Okay, what's up, High Command?"

"We need you to get in contact with Negaduck," Belle announced.  Before she could say anything else, Steelbeak interrupted with a groan.

" _Negaduck_?  Geez, if there's anybody worse'n Darkwing Duck, it's _t'at_ ego maniac.  Whaddya want with _him_?"

In Belle's opinion, Steelbeak didn't have much room to be calling anyone _else_ an ego maniac.  "We want to obtain a book in the possession of Morgana MacCawber.  We believe that Negaduck will be able to steal it for us if he disguises himself as Darkwing Duck to gain entry to her house."

Steelbeak snorted. "Like he'd agree to work for _us_.  From what I hear, if he ain't the boss, he won't play."

"We believe he will if approached in the right way.  If he is led to believe that this will give him an opportunity to take over F.O.W.L., he'll cooperate," Belle explained.

" _Take over F.O.W.L._?" Steelbeak squawked.  "What the heck are you t'inkin'?"

"We're not going to let him _do it_ , you imbecile," Belle growled impatiently.  "That's the second part of your assignment.  You are to accompany him throughout the mission to make sure he doesn't get a chance to make any moves against us.  With your. . . powers of persuasion, you should be able to keep him in line."

"My 'powers of persuasion'?  You finally noticed I'm good at somet'in', eh, babe? Ah ah ah ah ah ah," Steelbeak chuckled.

" _Silence!_ " Belle snarled.  Steelbeak winced slightly and snapped his beak shut.  She took a deep breath and went on more calmly, "Your assignment will begin tomorrow night.  We will transmit the details of the plan before then."

"Yes, ma'am," Steelbeak muttered sullenly.

"After Negaduck has the book, you will bring both him and it to headquarters.  I will meet you here to take the book. . . and dispose of Negaduck."

" _T'at_ 'll be the highlight of my week," Steelbeak grumbled.  "Agent Steelbeak, out."

After he cut the connection, Belle got up from the desk, snatched up her briefcase, and stormed out of the conference room.  Chogan watched her go, then glanced at Aquila.  "Perhaps we should consider a mandatory vacation for Commander Beakford after this."

"Yes," replied Aquila, straightening his officer's cap.  "Let's."

\--

To be continued


	2. Chapter 2

The next night, Steelbeak waited impatiently in one of the stores owned by F.O.W.L. in downtown St. Canard.  It appeared to be a jewelry store, but was in reality just a front for F.O.W.L. operations.  Tonight, however, it did house quite a jewel.

At least to all appearances.  The giant diamond was actually a synthetic crystal manufactured by Beau Beakford's Eggmen scientists, although it was indistinguishable from a real diamond to all but the best-trained eye.  Word had been put out, however, that the largest diamond in the country was temporarily on display in the shop.  Belle Beakford had seen to that; it was her plan that Negaduck's love of diamonds (especially stolen diamonds) would lure him to the shop that night to. . . acquire it.  Steelbeak had orders to detain Negaduck there until he agreed to help F.O.W.L. obtain the Quackronomicon.

"He sure is takin' his own sweet time gettin' here," Steelbeak muttered.  He had been there for three hours, and there was still no sign of Negaduck.  Steelbeak didn't even have any Eggmen around to amuse him, because Commander Beakford had insisted that he work alone.  Her reasoning was that the bumbling Eggmen might discourage Negaduck from participating in the heist.

 _Or else she just wants to make things as difficult for me as possible,_ Steelbeak thought grumpily.  She did seem to enjoy making him miserable.

Steelbeak's self-pity was interrupted when he heard a rattle at the store's single entrance.  _Finally!_ the rooster thought as he pressed up against the side of a tall jewelry case, which hid him from view of the door.  _Just hope it's Negaduck and not some other dodo robbing the place._ He waited until he heard the door close behind the intruder, then he pushed a hidden button set into the case.  There was a loud clank as a set of bars slammed closed over the shop's entrance.

"Hey!  What the hell--"

Well, that voice _had_ to belong to Negaduck, unless Darkwing had taken up diamond theft.  Steelbeak stepped out of his hiding place and looked; sure enough, he found himself regarding an extremely irate Negaduck.

" _You_ ," Negaduck seethed when he saw Steelbeak.  "What _is_ this, some kind of joke?  Let me out of here!"

"I ain't laughin', believe me."  Steelbeak leaned against one of the jewelry cases, crossing his ankles.  "So how you been, Negsy?  Life treatin' you well?"

Negaduck had stalked over to the door and was rattling the bars.  "Listen, Buck Cluck, I've got a gun.  In fact, I have several guns.  Now, care to get to the point?"

"Er, yeah, right," Steelbeak stammered before regaining his composure.  "Negsy, babe--"

"And _don't_ call me babe."  
  
"Geez, you're startin' to sound like High Command," Steelbeak muttered.  "I'll be honest wit' you.  F.O.W.L. needs your help.  T'ere's a certain book, the Quackronomicon, in the possession of one Morgana MacCawber, and we need _you_ to get it for us."

"No," said Negaduck.  "Can I go now?"

"Now hold on!" Steelbeak crooned.  "Don't you wanna know what's in it for you?"

"What, the pleasure of working for a bunch of bureaucrats with oddly shaped heads?  No thank you," Negaduck growled.

"Well, you see, t'at's the t'ing."  Steelbeak smirked to himself; he was in his element now.  Time to use those persuasive powers that had made such an impression on Commander Beakford.  "T'ose 'bureaucrats' have been a bit. . . distracted lately, ah ah ah ah ah.  They tell me to go get this spell book of Morgana's so's they can use it to take over St. Canard-- but they don't seem to realize t'at whoever has the spell book could take over _them_."

"I trust there's a point to this?" Negaduck grumbled, although he did give Steelbeak a sideways look that didn't go unnoticed.

"Oh, of _course_ , Negs." Steelbeak sauntered over to the "diamond" to admire his reflection in its side.  "Now I can't get t'at book all by myself-- Morgana keeps too close an eye on it.  But if her _dear_ boyfriend Darkwing asked to borrow it. . . now she couldn't say no to t'at, now could she?"  
  
"Let me guess, you want _me_ to dress up as Darkwing Duck and get the book for you."  Negaduck folded his arms and looked the rooster up and down.

"Bingo, ba-- I mean, Negs.  With the spells in t'at book, we can overt'row High Command-- _and_ Darkwing Duck."

"Hmm."  Steelbeak knew from the conniving look on the duck's face that he was about ready to seal the deal.  "But now that I know about this _amazing_ book, why shouldn't I just take it for myself?  What do I need _you_ for?"

Steelbeak was prepared for that.  "Oh sure, you could take out Darkwing all by yourself-- in fact, t'at's what I'm aimin' to let you do.  But you won't be able to get to F.O.W.L. wit'out me."

"And why should I be interested in F.O.W.L.?"  Negaduck arched a masked eyebrow.  "I have enough inept clowns under my power already, thanks to the Fearsome Five."

Steelbeak gracefully ignored the last statement.  "Well. . . for starters, there's a lot more where this came from, ah ah ah ah ah."  He scooped up the fake diamond and tossed it idly up and down in the air.  "Not to mention all the Swiss bank accounts.  And the girls."

Negaduck's eyes followed the crystal's every movement.  "Diamonds and money, hunh?  And girls?"

"Oh yeah.  In fact. . . ."  Steelbeak's grin grew a little as he finally got to deviate from the script High Command had given him.  "T'ere's a woman in High Command.  If you wanted a _challenging_ way to take over, there's always _t'at_ option, ah ah ah."

"Ha!  Like seducing a woman would be a challenge for _me_ ," Negaduck scoffed.

 _You haven't met **this** woman,_ Steelbeak thought smugly.  He certainly didn't have to worry about Negsy taking over F.O.W.L. _that_ way.

In spite of his scoffing, Negaduck looked intrigued.  "I might be able to arrange something," he finally said.  "All I need to do is get the Quackronomicon from Morgana?"

"Bingo!  T'en you and me bring it to headquarters and pretend we're gonna give it to High Command-- but instead, we use it to take over F.O.W.L.  Once _we're_ High Command, we can eliminate Darkwing Duck."

Negaduck hesitated, then reached a decision.  "Fine.  It's a deal.  Meet me outside Morgana's house tomorrow night at nine, and I'll get the book."

"I _knew_ we could come to an agreement," Steelbeak smirked.

"Yeah, whatever."  Negaduck started to turn away, then he eyed the crystal Steelbeak was still toying with.  "But you know, a little. . . incentive might convince me to work harder as F.O.W.L.'s newest agent."

"Oh _right_ , of course, ah ah ah ah ah."  Steelbeak tossed the worthless crystal to him; Negaduck caught it easily and tucked it somewhere in his jacket.  Hopefully he wouldn't take the time to have it appraised before the next evening.

"Did anyone ever tell you how damned _annoying_ your laugh is?" Negaduck muttered as Steelbeak ambled over to the door's hidden control and activated it.

"Speaking of the devil," Steelbeak sighed once the duck was gone.  He pulled out his video phone to report in to High Command.  When the call went through, he found himself regarding only one silhouette, that of a duck with a rather lumpy head.

"What took you so long?" the silhouette snapped in a female voice, revealing itself to be Belle Beakford and not her brother.

"Hey, High Command, workin' a late night can't hurt ya every once in a while," Steelbeak purred.  "It builds character.  'Sides, it ain't my fault.  The Negster just now decided to show up."

"Did he agree to get us the book?" Commander Beakford said impatiently.  
  
"Of course!  Although he t'inks me and him're gonna use it on youse guys-- and he's probably plannin' to use it on _me_ right after t'at.  So I hope you got a plan to keep t'at from happenin'."

"Of course I have a plan."  The silhouette folded her arms and glared at him.  "You just concern yourself with getting him here, with the book.  I'll have every Eggman at our disposal to ambush him the moment he walks in."

"Well, you better get 'em ready-- we're doin' it tomorrow night."  
  
"Fine.  At least you're efficient," she grudgingly admitted.

After a hard look to make sure there wasn't any sign of the other commanders, Steelbeak said suavely, "You know, Negs was pretty interested to know t'at one of High Command is a woman.  He seems to think he can waltz in, sweep you off your feet, and take over operations just like t'at, book or no book. Ah ah ah ah ah!"

"He _what_?"  Steelbeak got even more of a reaction than he'd hoped for; she slammed her fists down on the desk and leaned forward furiously.  "Why the _hell_ did you tell him about _me_?"

 _Payback, babe, payback,_ he thought smugly.  Aloud, he said, "Oh, just a little more incentive for him to join us.  Anyways, we're hittin' the MacCawber chick's place at nine tomorrow night, so's we'll be at HQ by ten."

Commander Beakford was obviously still seething as she said brusquely,  "Fine.  I'll be waiting for you."  She cut the connection before he could reply.

Steelbeak laughed to himself as he left the store, locking the door behind him.  As much as she irritated him when he was under her command, Commander Beakford was certainly fun to mess with.  He got quite a kick out of thinking of her over there at F.O.W.L. headquarters, all alone and fuming.

 _Speaking of her being all alone. .. if I believed that line I fed Negsy, I could go over there right now and try to seduce my way into High Command,_ Steelbeak thought as he started up his car.  _If I believed it, or if I wanted to get myself shot._

\--

Despite his late arrival to the jewelry store, Negaduck was right on time the next evening.  Steelbeak had parked his car on the street outside Morgana's gate, not wanting to risk being spotted by actually entering her yard.  He had only been there a moment when a short duck stalked up to his window.  For a moment, Steelbeak really believed that it _was_ Darkwing Duck-- the resemblance was that perfect.

"Let's get this over with," the duck growled.  "I'm ready to get out of this clown suit."

That was Negaduck all right.  Apparently he objected to the color scheme of Darkwing's costume since the cut and style were exactly the same as his own.  **_Neither_** _of 'em has any fashion sense,_ Steelbeak thought in disgust.

"So what's your plan, Negsy?"

"I called Morgana earlier pretending to be Darkwing and told her I needed to borrow the book."  He smirked slightly, showing an impressive set of fangs.  "Apparently, a certain handsome criminal doppelganger is learning magic, and Darkwing needs to find a spell to fight him."

"Yeah, yeah, real creative," Steelbeak yawned.  "So she'll give you the book?"

"Yeah."  Negaduck scowled; he seemed to think that Steelbeak should have been more impressed with his story.  "And after that?"

"Get in the car, and we'll go to F.O.W.L. headquarters.  From what I hear, they'll be waitin' for us-- and we'll give 'em somet'in' worth waitin' for, ah ah ah ah ah."

As soon as Negaduck disappeared inside Morgana's gate, Steelbeak connected to High Command on his dashboard monitor.  Commander Beakford was there, alone once more; they had decided that the rest of High Command should be absent just in case Negaduck did manage to cast a spell from the Quackronomicon.

"Negaduck's goin' to get the book," Steelbeak relayed in a low voice.  "We should be at HQ in a few minutes."

"Excellent."  Commander Beakford hesitated, then she said rather reluctantly, "Your work on this assignment has been impressive so far.  If you successfully procure the book, I'll see that you get some kind of bonus."

"Ah, great!  You know, I been needin' a new wardrobe, so's if you wanna take me shoppin'--"

"We'll discuss it later," she interrupted brusquely.

 She cut the connection, leaving Steelbeak with nothing to do but wait for Negaduck to return.  He was just starting to get suspicious about how long it was taking, when the caped duck emerged from Morgana's gate, carrying something under his arm.  Steelbeak motioned for him to get in the car, but Negaduck waved him off and ducked behind a tree.  A moment later, he came back wearing his usual yellow, red, and black ensemble; Steelbeak never did figure out just where it had come from.

"That's better," Negaduck growled as he got into the passenger seat of the car.  "I couldn't wear that ridiculous outfit one more minute."

"T'at's the book?" Steelbeak asked.  He glanced down at the rather garishly purple tome resting in the duck's lap.

"Yep.  Start driving, bird brain.  You want her to come outside and see me with you?"  Steelbeak grumbled to himself but started the car.  "Now I just gotta figure out how to use this thing," Negaduck muttered as he opened the cover.

"Hey, maybe we should wait until we actually get to HQ," Steelbeak suggested nervously.  The last thing he wanted was for Negaduck to actually learn a spell that might help him overcome the Eggmen who were supposed to apprehend him.  _I'll never get that new wardrobe then,_ he though ruefully.  "Don't want any spells goin' off in the car, ah ah ah ah ah."

"Well, we have to be prepared before we get to-- hey, what the hell?  These pages are blank!"  Negaduck snarled and thumbed through the rest of the book.  "That bitch tricked me--"

"Hey, watch your language!" an unfamiliar voice commanded.  The book seemed to leap out of Negaduck's hands of its own accord-- and when Steelbeak turned away from the road to look at it, he saw that this was exactly what it had done.

"Aaack!" he squawked, nearly veering off the road.  "I-it's-- it talked!"

"Watch where you're going!" Negaduck snapped, even as he tried to grab the book out of the air. Steelbeak pulled off to the side of the road, shaking slightly.

"Of course I talk!" the book announced, darting from side to side to keep out of Negaduck's grasp.  "I am the Quackronomicon, ancient tome of the dark arts!  . . . . And a few good recipes.  I belonged to a chef for a little while."

"Great."  Negaduck made another snatch at the book, finally managing to catch it.  "Just tell me how to use you."

"Look, we really oughta get this t'ing to High Command before it runs away," Steelbeak interrupted.

Negaduck looked at him sharply.  "Whose side are you on, Chanticleer?  Your precious High Command ain't getting this book."

"I hope you aren't planning to use any of my spells for _bad_ things," the Quackronomicon interrupted.

"No, of course not. . . Quacky," Negaduck said smoothly, after a final warning glare at Steelbeak.  "You see, the bosses of Steelbeak here _do_ want to use you for. . . 'bad things.'  So we have to stop them."

"Oh. . . well, okay then!" the book said brightly.  "Tell you what: when we get there, I'll make the words you need to say appear on my pages.  Then you just read them!  That'll cast a spell to call a spirit who can stop these bad people.  How does that sound?"

Negaduck grinned sharply.  "That sounds terrific.  Now," he added, turning back to Steelbeak with a hard look.  One hand drifted inside his cape, where Steelbeak could see the outline of a gun.  "Why don't we get back on the road?"

"Yeah," the rooster muttered weakly as he pulled back out onto the street.  _High Command better not have been lying about those Eggmen,_ he thought dismally.

\--

To be continued


	3. Chapter 3

Belle sat alone in High Command's conference room at F.O.W.L. headquarters, watching the video feed of the complex's parking lot.  Finally she saw Steelbeak's car turn into the nearly empty lot.  
  
"About time," she muttered, then she picked up a walkie-talkie lying on the desk and spoke into it.  "Eggmen into position.  They're here."

"Yes ma'am," replied the voice of Edgar, the head Eggman.  Belle switched her video feed to a shot of the interior of the building's entrance, where five Eggmen were lined up on either side of the door, ready to ambush Negaduck.  She wasn't a moment too soon, for immediately Negaduck kicked open the door, then shoved Steelbeak through in front of him.

"Geez, you don't gotta push!" the rooster snapped as he regained his balance.  Belle groaned inwardly when she saw that Negaduck had a gun pressed to the small of Steelbeak's back.  _He **would** go and get himself taken hostage,_ she thought.  In the instant before the Eggmen grabbed the duck, Belle worried that Negaduck would fire the gun when he was apprehended-- at that close range, it could be fatal.  However, there was nothing she could do that late in the game, and she watched with her heart in her throat.

Her worries were unfounded.  Edgar, showing unusual intelligence for an Eggman, suddenly leapt forward and knocked the gun from the startled Negaduck's hand.  It fell harmlessly to the floor as the other nine Eggmen pounced on him.  Steelbeak made a grab for the book Negaduck had tucked under his arm, but before the rooster could touch it, it flew up into the air all by itself.

"What the hell," Belle breathed, ignoring her relief that Steelbeak was all right.  She leaned forward and squinted at the monitor; sure enough, the Quackronomicon was _flying_.

"Here ya go, buddy!" the book cried, flipping its own cover open and revealing pages that seemed to be blank.  As Belle watched, words appeared on the pages as if written with an invisible pen.  The book floated over in front of Negaduck, who was pinned in the strong arms of Norton, the largest Eggman.  "Quick, read 'em!"

Belle snatched up her walkie talkie and yelled into it, "Agent Steelbeak, stop him!  Don't let him--"  Steelbeak, however, did absolutely nothing except stare helplessly at the floating book.

Negaduck read loudly, " _Estrata tatoon hazan sobar eargrets gat-- nosferatos amantos kanda_! "

"Damn you!" Belle spat, aiming it at both Negaduck and Steelbeak.

"Woohoo!" cried the Quackronomicon happily, bouncing around in the air.  Then it paused.  "You, uh, might want to. . . you know, hide somewhere."

"Hide?  Why?" snapped Negaduck.  "Isn't that spell gonna get rid of High Command?"

"Well, yeah. . . and anyone else in the way!"  The book edged towards the hallway that led deeper into headquarters.  "Stay if you want-- but I'm gettin' out of here!"  It darted down the hallway and out of the range of Belle's cameras.

"Uh, what's dat sound?" Norton asked slowly.  The Eggmen looked around, and after a moment, Belle heard it too: a roaring noise, faint at first but rapidly getting closer.

"I dunno, but I t'ink ol' Quacky has the right idea!" Steelbeak gulped.  He pelted down the hall after the book.

Normally Belle was infuriated when F.O.W.L.'s agents ran away (which was, unfortunately, more often than not).  This time, however, she was inclined to agree with Steelbeak's analysis of the situation.  "Eggmen, retreat," she barked into the walkie-talkie, trying to keep her voice steady while at the same time yelling loudly enough to be heard over the ever-louder roar.  "But don't let go of that duck!"  Before she could get any kind of response, both her video feed and her walkie-talkie went dead.

" _Damn it!_ " Belle swore, slamming the unit down onto the desk.  "What the hell have those two fools done?"

" _Comin' through!_ "  She jumped as the Quackronomicon came sailing into the room.  "'Scuse me, lady!" the book cried as it darted past her head.  Belle tried to grab it, but it was too quick for her.

"Wait!" she yelled after it.  "What's happening?"

The book paused in the back doorway of the room.  "Are you this High Command everyone's talking about?"

"I'm part of it, yes."

"Erm, well. . . I'm real sorry, but that duck in the funny outfit wants to kill you."

"I know that!" Belle growled.  "That spell you gave him-- what does it do?"

"It's a demon resurrection spell," the Quackronomicon explained, looking more nervous by the minute.

" _What?_   You gave that insane fool a _demon resurrection_ spell?"

"Well, he said you were going to do bad things with me!" the book whined as it hopped from side to side.

"And resurrecting demons isn't a bad thing?" Belle exploded.

"Look, lady, I'm just a book, all right?  It's up to you _living_ beings to figure out the morals of everything.  You're _all_ bad people as far as I'm concerned!"  With that pronouncement, the book bolted from the room.  Belle knew it wouldn't get very far; that door led only to the building's basement.  Thinking swiftly, she darted to the door and closed it.  The book was trapped, and she could deal with it once she located Negaduck and the other F.O.W.L. agents.

One of said F.O.W.L. agents burst into the room the next moment.  Steelbeak staggered through the doorway leading in from the hall, then slammed the door behind him and bolted it.  He leaned against the door, panting, then jumped when he saw Belle fuming at him.

"I told you not to let him say that spell!" she shouted.

"Hey, don't blame _me_!  T'is whole 'let's steal the demon book' t'ing was _your_ idea!" he yelled right back.

Belle growled in frustration and stalked towards the door.  "What's going on out there?  And where's Negaduck?"

"I don't know and I don't care, on either count."  He pressed his back to the door, preventing her from opening it.  "I dunno what kinda spell t'at crazy book made him read but--"

"It was a spell to resurrect a demon," Belle muttered.   "The 'crazy book's' in the basement-- we'll have to get it to tell us how to stop this thing."

"You mean, _you'll_  have to.  I'm not havin' another t'ing to do wit'--"  Steelbeak broke off as Belle reached up and grabbed his beak, yanking him down to her eye level.

"If you'd like to live long enough to see tomorrow, I suggest you adjust your attitude," she snarled.

When she let go of his beak, he straightened up and muttered, "Yes _ma'am._ Although really, ain't t'is a kinda bad time to be makin' t'reats?"

" _I'm_ not the one who's going to kill you.  I think that demon out there will do a better job of it than I ever could."  Belle pushed Steelbeak aside and put her head to the door, listening.  "It sounds like it's getting closer--"  She broke off and jumped back from the door in alarm when something began pounding on it.

"Aack!" Steelbeak squawked, backing up into High Command's desk.  "I-it's the demon!"

" _Open the damn door!_ " the demon bellowed-- in Negaduck's voice.

"Negaduck?" Belle called cautiously.  At the same time, she darted around the desk and pulled out one of the several guns High Command kept there.

"No, it's the tooth fairy!" the voice snapped.  "Lemme in; it's almost here!"

Belle aimed her gun at the door.  "Open it," she commanded Steelbeak.

He stared at her.  " _You_ open it!  It might be the demon!"

"That was an order, not a suggestion, _agent_."  
  
Steelbeak muttered something under his breath that probably could have gotten him fired, then he edged towards the door.  He pressed against the wall and flung the door open, wincing.

It was, after all, only Negaduck.  "Geez!" he snarled when he saw the gun aimed at his head.  "Don't you know the difference between me and-- and _that_?"  He gestured towards the door, from which the roaring sound was now coming much more loudly.  Negaduck slammed the door and relocked it.

"This is all _your_ fault," Belle growled, shoving the gun into the waistband of her slacks.  "You should have known not to cast the first spell that thing threw at you!"

Negaduck ignored her comment entirely.  "So _you're_ the woman commander I've been hearing so much about?"  The duck looked her up and down.  "Not quite what I was expecting."

Making a mental note to throttle Steelbeak later for discussing her with Negaduck, Belle turned towards the room's back door.  "I would think you'd have other things to worry about right now than being disappointed in _me_.  We have to find that book and get it to tell us how to stop this thing.  Come on."

"Look, lady, you may be able to boss around the chicken, but you don't give _me_ orders--"  He was cut off by a loud crash against the door he had bolted, followed by a furious roar.  "Although, I _am_ open to suggestions," he muttered hastily as he darted around the desk to join her.

Belle opened the basement door and was nearly knocked down by Steelbeak as he raced for the safety of the basement.  Once he and Negaduck were inside, she followed them, locking the door from the inside.  Fortunately, the basement had been outfitted to provide shelter if F.O.W.L.'s headquarters were ever attacked, and there was a heavy bar that could be used to fortify the door.  Belle shoved it down in place, then backed slowly down the steps.

"I hope it holds long enough," she murmured as she heard the crashes against the door on the other side of the conference room grow louder.  "If the Eggmen were just here-- what happened to them?"

Negaduck shrugged.  "Last I saw of them was when they let me go and bolted.  The demon, or whatever the hell that thing is, has probably eaten 'em by now."

"Great," Belle sighed.  "I'll have to start hiring replacements again if I live through this."

"If _I_ live t'rough this, I may start lookin' for a new line of work," Steelbeak groaned.

"Help me find the Quackronomicon," Belle ordered.  She started rummaging behind the crates of weapons and supplies stored in the dim room.  "It's got to be hiding in here somewhere."  Steelbeak reluctantly started moving some of the crates, but they didn't get very far before a horrendous noise issued from the conference room.

"The hell was _that_?" Negaduck shouted.  The roaring, which had been faint since they entered the basement, suddenly rose to a fever pitch.

"I think it broke down the other door!" Belle yelled over the racket.  "It's in the conference room!"

"Dammit!  Where's that book?" Negaduck roared as he started heaving crates out of the way.

They all stopped short when they heard a sudden burst of insane laughter.  Considering her profession, Belle was quite used to evil laughs (and highly annoying ones where Steelbeak was concerned)-- but something about this one was creepy.

"I-is t'at the book?" Steelbeak asked nervously.  "Or the demon?"

"It's coming from over there."  Belle pointed at a set of steel shelves pushed up against the wall.  She edged closer and peered around them, then blinked.  The source of the laughter was a completely benign-looking yellow desk lamp.  It was bobbing its "head" up and down, chuckling.

". . . it's a lamp," Belle said flatly.

Negaduck whipped out his gun and pointed it at the lamp.  "I don't know what the hell _that's_ all about, but--"

"Hey, wait!  Don't shoot!"  The little lamp quit laughing and opened a pair of large eyes just below its switch.  "Sorry, I'll keep it down!"

"What kind of spell _is_ t'is?" Steelbeak squawked.  "It calls demons _and_ makes low-budget furniture come to life?"

"Who you calling low budget, loud mouth?" the lamp snapped.  "And I don't know anything about any spell!  I was just thinking about a joke I heard from this radio I know--"

"Never _mind_."  Belle turned away from the lamp in frustration.  "Finding the book's more important."

"Hey!  T'ere's the little bastard!" Steelbeak said suddenly.  He shoved Belle out of the way and pounced on something behind one of the crates.  "Gotcha!"  When he stood, he was clutching the Quackronomicon, who was struggling to free itself.  
  
"Lemme go!" it wailed.

"Not 'til you tell us how to stop t'at t'ing!"  Steelbeak gave the book a good shake.

"Do I _have_ to?"  The Quackronomicon trembled.  "Stopping it's worse than _starting_ it!"

Negaduck stomped over to the book, produced a lighter from somewhere in his costume, and lit it, holding it up near one corner of the book.  "Start talking, Quacky."

"Okay, okay!"  The book squeezed its eyes shut and said quickly, "You have to say two more spells to stop it.  Right now, it doesn't have a real, physical form, so the first spell gives it a body.  The second spell opens a portal to another dimension, and sucks the demon into it.  That spell won't do any good unless you cast the other one first."

"You mean _that_ 's not even a real body out there?"  Belle winced as the thing pounded on the door to the basement.  "We'd better find some weapons before we cast the spell-- just in case."

"Already taken care of."  Negaduck whipped out his gun.

"I don't really think that'll do much good," the Quackronomicon protested.  "We're dealin' with the undead here!"

"Hold on."  Belle picked up one of the crowbars the Eggmen used to open the crates and wrenched the top off the nearest box.  "There's got to be something bigger here-- F.O.W.L. has every weapon known to duck-kind."

"T'is'll work."  Steelbeak let the Quackronomicon go in order to pull a very large ax out of the box.  The book floated in the air next to one wall, trembling.  "So what was t'is box for, deforestation?"

"Pretty much."  Belle leaned down into the crate and hauled out a chainsaw.  "Here," she said, shoving it at Negaduck.  His face lit up as he picked it up and gave it a pull to test  it.  As it roared to life, Negaduck hefted it in the air.  
  
"Groovy," he grinned, turning it off again.

Before Belle could find a weapon other than her crowbar, the force outside crashed against the door more loudly than ever.

"Never mind that!" the Quackronomicon begged.  "Just cast the spells-- we're almost out of time."

"All right, fine!" Negaduck snapped.  "Tell me what to say."

The book opened itself, and new words appeared on its pages.  " _Nosferatos allo memnon kanda_!" Negaduck read.

The crashing noise outside the room suddenly turned into a loud boom, and the door trembled in its frame.  Cracks appeared in the wall on either side of it.

"Hoo boy," muttered the Quackronomicon.  " _Now_ you've done it.   It's going to break through the door!"

Negaduck yanked the cord to start his chainsaw.  "Oh, I'm ready."

"Eheh, yeah," Steelbeak said weakly, clutching his ax tighter.  "M-me too."

An instant later, the door's hinges popped out of the wall as the creature on the other side pounded against it.  The door splintered above and below the bar holding it shut.

The demon was the most terrible thing Belle had ever seen.  It was plant-like in a way and reminded her of something Reginald Bushroot might have dreamed up if he were on crack: a face like a rotten apple, arms like gnarled tree roots. . . and a very big mouth.

Belle pressed her back to the opposite wall, staying as far away from the monster as possible.  It swiped at Negaduck with one clawed hand, but quickly withdrew it when he brandished the chainsaw.  The demon then reached for Steelbeak, who swung the ax at it.  The monster plucked the ax out of the rooster's hand and tossed it aside, then wrapped its own huge hand around him.

 "Uh oh," Steelbeak muttered as the monster opened its huge mouth.  "L-look, you don't wanna eat me!  I-I'm, uh, full of chemicals!  I live in the city!  I ain't free range!"

"Steelbeak!" Belle shouted.  She  looked furiously at Negaduck.  "You're the one with the weapon-- do something!"

"What?" Negaduck growled.  "Let it eat him-- I'll attack it while it's distracted."

Belle made an inarticulate noise of frustration.  "You're despicable, even for a villain."  She hauled her arm back and threw her crowbar at the demon like a javelin.  The iron tool lodged in its right eye, and the monster howled in pain.  As Belle had hoped, it let go of Steelbeak to claw at its wounded eye; the rooster staggered away from it to the relative safety of the other side of the room.

"T'anks, babe," he panted as he slumped against the wall next to Belle.  "Alt'ough, I t'ought you'd be _glad_ to see me become demon chow."

"I'm not going to let F.O.W.L.'s top agent get eaten," Belle said brusquely, although she felt her cheeks grow hot.  "It would take forever to replace you."

"That's all very sweet," Negaduck snarled, "but I think the diversion is _over_."  Sure enough, the demon had swatted the crowbar out of its eye, which was now oozing a rather nasty-looking green fluid.

"You've got to finish the spell!" the Quackronomicon cried.  It floated up in front of Negaduck, and more words appeared on its blank pages.  "Open the portal that will get rid of the demon!"

Negaduck squinted at the words on the page, then read them in a harsh shout: " _Nosferatos amenon.  Akadeem!  Razin arozonia kanda!_ "

Belle stared as the very fabric of the air just outside the doorway to the basement seemed to shift.  A spiraling vortex appeared behind the demon, who howled and clawed at the door frame with its root-like hands.  A terrible sucking noise came from the portal as it began to draw in the air around it like a miniature black hole.  The monster’s claws slipped off of the frame, and it shrieked as it was sucked into the vortex and disappeared.

"Well, _t'at's_ a relief--" Steelbeak began, but he broke off in alarm when the portal didn't _stop_ sucking.  In fact, it seemed to be building up strength, vacuuming in everything in the room that wasn't bolted down.  The avians felt their feet begin to slip as the vortex tried to envelope them along with the monster.  Steelbeak grabbed one of the exposed pipes leading from the basement's wall, but Belle, being much lighter, was pulled towards the vortex before she could anchor herself.

"High Command!" he shouted, reaching for her.  He caught her hand just before she was out of his reach, but the force of the vortex's pull threatened to separate them.  Steelbeak looked around desperately, then clamped his prosthetic beak down over the pipe, freeing his other hand to grab at Belle's arm.  He hauled her closer, until she was able to wrap her own arms around his chest and hang on.  Steelbeak put one arm around her waist and held her, then clung to the pipe with the other.

Belle turned her head, squinting into the rushing wind caused by the vacuum.  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the yellow lamp go flying through the air and disappear into the vortex with a shriek.  Negaduck had latched onto another pipe and was clutching the Quackronomicon to his chest, holding onto his hat with his other hand.  The crates of weapons and other supplies were being sucked into the void one by one; Belle thought with grim humor that Beau would have fun writing _that_ loss into F.O.W.L.'s budget.

_We can_ _'_ _t hold on forever,_ Belle thought as she pressed against Steelbeak's chest.  She had joined F.O.W.L. fully aware that she might one day lose her life for the organization. . . but doing so by being sucked into another dimension in the arms of a chicken was not how she had envisioned it happening.

"How do we stop it?" Negaduck shouted over the noise.

"I-I don't know!" the Quackronomicon admitted.  "Abduck never got around to writing _that_ spell!" 

"I should throw you in there!" Negaduck bellowed.  "What the hell were you thinking, giving us a spell you can't stop?" 

"You were the ones who wanted to get rid of the demon!" the book protested.  "All I've done this whole night is what _you_ tell me to!  It's not my fault you don't think through your actions!  You're all alike, you-- you _people_!" 

" ** _Negaduck_** _!_ "  Belle had always believed that no woman could convey fury in her voice like she herself could-- but this was the first time she had seen Morgana MacCawber in person.  At the sound of the sorceress's irate voice, Belle turned and looked over Steelbeak's shoulder.  Morgana was clinging to the doorway, having seemingly appeared out of nowhere.  Her bride-of-Frankenstein hair had come out of its up-do and was streaming towards the vortex, but otherwise she seemed more focused on Negaduck than on the portal to another world.

"Morgana!" the Quackronomicon cried happily.  " _She_ can fix it!" 

"I should have _known_ this disturbance was your fault!" Morgana shouted at Negaduck.  "Darkwing would never have been so foolish as to use the portal spell!" 

"Save the bitching for later!" Negaduck yelled back.  "Can you turn this thing off?" 

"I _should_ just let you go in-- _all_ of you!" she added, glaring at Belle and Steelbeak.  "It figures that F.O.W.L.'s behind this."

"You can scold us later!" Steelbeak yelped.  "Just close t'at t'ing!"

"Fine," Morgana growled.  "But only if you three promise to _never_ dabble in the occult again!"

"You have our word!" Belle called impatiently.

"That doesn't mean a lot coming from F.O.W.L. and Negaduck," Morgana sniffed, "but I suppose. . . ."  She was stronger than her slender form let on, for she was able to hold onto the door frame with only one hand while she raised her other.  " _Nosferatos termino kanda!_ " she cried as a bolt of purple-tinted energy shot from her fingertips and into the portal.  To Belle's immense relief, the pull of the vortex weakened immediately.  The three criminal avians slumped against their pipes in exhaustion as the vortex shrunk, then disappeared entirely.

"Oh, thank goodness," the Quackronomicon panted.  "I thought I was going to the great library in the sky _that_ time!"

"And as for _you_ \--"  Morgana stormed over to it and snatched it away from Negaduck.  "You should have known better than to do anything for _him_!"

"Why does everyone blame the book?" it grumbled.  "I'm just doing my job!"

Morgana pushed her now drooping hair out of eyes and glowered at the other three.  "When you summoned that demon, I felt the disturbance in the fabric of our world.  I knew it had to be a spell from the Quackronomicon, so I called Darkwing to ask what he was doing."  She folded her arms and glared at Negaduck.  "And when he said he hadn't borrowed the book at all, I realized that it was _you_ instead."

"Yeah, well, _you_ should be more careful with that thing."  Negaduck straightened his costume indignantly.  "Some sorceress, lending out the Book of the Dead to the first schmuck that comes along in a purple cape."

Belle leaned her forehead against the pipe and groaned as she thought about the damage to F.O.W.L. headquarters that would now have to be repaired.  Then she realized that Steelbeak still had his arm around her waist.

"Let go," she snarled, shoving him away.

"Hmph, see if I save _you_ from the forces of Hell next time," he muttered.

"There won't _be_ a next time," Morgana declared.  "I'm not letting the Quackronomicon out of my sight from now on."  As she stalked up the stairs and out of the basement, she snapped, "I'm buying a padlock for your cabinet first thing in the morning."

"Aww, geez. . . ." was the last Belle heard of the Quackronomicon.

"And for that matter," Negaduck grumbled, "that's the last time I'd working with _you_ losers.  Quackerjack has more sense than the lot of you put together."

"We're not the ones who thought it would be a good idea to summon a demon!" Belle yelled at his back as he stomped after Morgana, still carrying the chainsaw.

Negaduck made a rather rude gesture at her over his shoulder.  "And I'm keeping the saw!  I earned it!"

"Eh, want me to go get it back?" Steelbeak asked, in a tone of voice that suggested that he seriously hoped she'd say no.

"No, let him go.  It was stolen anyway."  Belle sat down on the basement steps and dropped her head in her hands.  "How am I going to explain this to the rest of High Command?  This is a bigger disaster than the psychic research division!"

"I dunno about that-- there ain't bits of giant exploded brain to mop up t'is time."  Steelbeak paused.  "Alt'ough, Ammon-i-a Pine seemed to enjoy that assignment.  Yech."

"Nnnn," was the only response he got.  Steelbeak looked down at Belle thoughtfully, then he sat down on the step beside her.

"C'mon, it ain't _your_ fault.  I mean, I guess it _sorta_ is, since it was your idea to get t'at book in the first place-- but, uh, you didn't know it would actually _help_ Negsy."

"But it's always _my_ plans that end up like this!" Belle groaned.

"Actually, none of youse guys's plans ever work too well," Steelbeak said helpfully.  "Like t'at Steerminator project-- your brother _really_ screwed up t'at time."

"Taurus Bulba can't compare to a demon _or_ a portal into Hell," Belle protested morosely.

Steelbeak gave her a deadpan look.  "Babe, I'm tryin' to make you feel better.  You ain't makin' it easy."

Belle closed her eyes.  "Sorry."

"Wow, now _t'at's_ somet'in' I never t'ought I'd hear you say, ah ah ah ah ah."

"Here's another one.  Thanks."  She opened her left eye to look at him sideways.  "You saved my life."

"Okay, now you're just embarrassin' me.  Gimme t'at new wardrobe we was discussin', and we'll call it even."

"Don't push your luck."  Belle glared at him and stood up.  "I'm going home.  I'll deal with the damage in the morning."

"Need a ride?" Steelbeak asked as he followed her up the stairs.  Belle hesitated, because at least then she wouldn't have to pay for a taxi.  F.O.W.L. was going to need every dollar they could save considering the damage she saw as they walked towards the front of the building.

"All right," Belle finally said.  "I--"  She stopped when they entered the foyer of the building.  The door to a small storage closet off to one side was slightly ajar.  "Look."

"Hoo boy."  Steelbeak cowered back inside the hallway.  "I hope t'at ain't another demon."

Belle gritted her teeth and approached the door slowly.  There was no sound from within the closet, so she grabbed the knob and flung the door open.

All ten Eggmen tumbled out like clowns from a clown car.  Poor Edgar was the last to emerge, having been crammed into one corner by the bulk of the other, much larger thugs.  He staggered out of the closet and fell on top of the others.

"Is it gone?" Norton asked from beneath the pile of his associates.

"F.O.W.L. gets invaded by a demon, and all you do is hide in the closet?" Belle growled at them, despite her relief that they hadn't been eaten-- it would save her having to go through the hiring process ten times.  "Start cleaning this place up, immediately!"

"Yes ma'am," mumbled Edgar weakly.  Belle left headquarters feeling slightly better; at least the Eggmen were still around to repair the worst of the damage.

"Whew, glad my car didn't get sucked in wit' everyt'in' else," Steelbeak said cheerfully as they got in.  "You can't get rims like t'is no more!"

"Yes, what a terrible loss," Belle muttered.  She grumbled the directions to her apartment, then slumped back in the passenger seat with her eyes shut.

"So uh, do I gotta come in to work tomorrow?" Steelbeak asked as he drove.  "I t'ink I deserve a vacation after t'is."

"I told you not to push your luck."

"Oh well," he sighed.  "Couldn't hurt to ask."

A few moments later, he pulled up at her apartment building, craning his neck to look up at it.  "You live here?  I woulda t'ought High Command had a fancier place."

"You should see Beau's house," Belle said.  "Somehow he's convinced his wife that he works in an office-- she must be all kinds of stupid to think he could afford that mansion on that kind of salary."

Steelbeak chuckled.  "He's married?  I never t'ought about youse guys havin' personal lives."

Belle looked out the window at her building, picking out the dark window where her single-bedroom apartment was.  "Some of us don't."  She opened the car door and started to get out.  "Thanks for the ride."

"Anytime, babe."

"And stop calling me that!" she snapped, just before she slammed the door.

Steelbeak winced as he watched her stalk into the building.  "Geez," he muttered as he started up the car again and drove away.  "Talk about mood swings." 

As he drove towards his own, much fancier apartment building, he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket with one hand and flipped it open to scroll through his list of potential dates.  After nearly getting shot by Negaduck, eaten by a demon, and sucked into another dimension, he didn't feel like spending what remained of the night alone.  However, none of the names on the list appealed to him.  Every single girl in his address book was the same: a bubbly, clueless,  sexy airhead.  Scowling in frustration, Steelbeak snapped the phone shut and shoved it back into his pocket.

_Even Dorkwing Duck's done better for himself than **that** ,_ he thought.  _Morgana may be a witch, but at least she has a brain._

Steelbeak pulled into his parking deck and got out of the car, then reluctantly started up to his penthouse apartment.  For the first time, he wondered what it would be like to come home alone _every_ night, as Commander Beakford apparently did.

_No personal life, hunh,_ Steelbeak thought as he got on the elevator.  _With **her** attitude, it's no wonder_.  But then, maybe it was by choice.  _Maybe she thinks being alone's  better than being with some random hook-up that irritates the heck out of her with his stupidity._

Normally he would have disagreed with that outlook on life, but right then he thought that maybe it had some merit.  Maybe it was time to lay off the girls until he could hook one with some sense. . . if you called plotting to steal a demon-summoning book sense.

"Geez, what I am t'inkin'," Steelbeak grumbled aloud.  He trudged off the elevator and unlocked his apartment.  "What would I want to get wit' _her_ for?"

\--

"What a mess."  Morgana MacCawber sank down on the sofa in her living room, holding the chastised Quackronomicon on her lap.

"At least they didn't ask for a love potion," Quacky pointed out.

"Well, there _is_ that."  Morgana stroked the book's cover for a moment.  "And I'm glad you're all right, even if you _should_ have known better.  You weren't damaged, I hope."

"Nope!  Good as ever!" Quacky announced proudly.

"That's a relief," Morgana said with a faint smile.  In spite of her irritation at her book's behavior, she _was_ fond of it.  She patted it affectionately on the spine, then flipped through it.  The pages which appeared blank to everyone else were filled with writing for her, thanks to her magical prowess.  She stopped at one particular page, which featured a drawing made in the twelfth century, right before the book had been sealed away for hundreds of years.  It depicted the "Hero from the Sky" who had mysteriously appeared to  destroy the evil creatures that plagued the people of that century.

"You know," Morgana said thoughtfully, "I always wondered what this one meant."

She knew, of course, that such things did not exist seven hundred years ago. . . but she could swear that the Hero from the Sky looked suspiciously like a yellow desk lamp.

\--

The End


End file.
